[Post No.1]
Story #1:
written in a first person narrative. Enjoy! Just a SHORT STORY about love, a bit of a story to help you understand the perspective of love through the eyes of the narrator.
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"FATED TO FALL, FAIL AND STILL FEEL."
One thing I've learned though, is that during the early years of my life -- my brainwashed perspective of love used to be so simple -- I blame Disney for that; I thought that if you loved someone enough, you'll get through any hinderance and if you sincerely put your heart on your sleeve there's a definite chance your love would be reciprocated. But how true does this statement ring, do you think? Well, it's practically a delightful lie society shoved down my throat.
Then somehow, when I reached the early years of my teen, it was nothing but empty flings one after the other. I suppose that's when everyone's childish tendencies towards love would start. I would get boyfriends like they were no more than toys I purchased off of the stores' shelves. It certainly felt exciting to get the attention of a lot of boys; I think this was the only point of my life where I pretty much belittled the purity of love. I was falling in 'like' for a lot of guys in such short periods of time.
I was insipid, reckless and fickle. Even if a part of me still wish that part of my past had never existed; I find that it helped me differentiate between what was a temporary high and a grounding revelation of real feelings.
The thing about love, is that it can be found at the oddest of places, happens at the most unexpected of times and it can affect even the best of us. It's crazy how out of character you'll become if you've fallen for someone so hard.
I remember when I first had my biggest crush. It really was the most exciting thing for a 12 year old adolescent girl to feel. Constantly trying to catch glimpses of his smile, hoping that one day that cute smile would be directed to you. The first time he talked to me, the first real conversation we had was when he took an interest in my hobby back then - which was poetry writing. There's really nothing more endearing to me when a guy takes the time to notice something personal about you. "you write poems?" three simple words and he got me hooked on him and reeled me in like fresh live bait... JUST LIKE THAT! I shyly showed him some of my collection of poetry.
That's when I began thinking he was the cutest boy in class, noticing when he was there and when he wasn't. I had found him attractive that's for sure, but after that day, it wasn't the same anymore... I was crushing on him so bad that it was dragged on even till my high school years. I really did hold a (although flickering)-- candle for him even during my time in high school, if he would look my way just once more; I'd have gladly left whoever it was my boyfriend back then. After all, I was in fact only with them because they were either good-looking or they had a way with words and sometimes, they were just really into me and were good enough, so why not~?
Although, it was in college, that defining moment of my life when I realised nothing great or profound would come out of anything so short-term and superficial. I stopped being flighty and started being more saintly. I began frowning or making a serious face whenever I walk alone, I avoided talking to a lot of guys and hoped that one day, some of them would still like how I am despite being more 'restrained'; noticing me when I am being unnoticeable...
Had a couple of candidates and none of them struck me as being anything remarkable. All the guys that I talked to were the every day run of the mill type of guys. They were what I have been used to for so long; sweet-talkers who gave in to my every whim and wish, mediocre conversations and short-lived happiness, they seemed like that were just doing it from some book of gameplay-- in other words, it seemed insincere.
So, I remember thinking about all my past relationships with the guys in my life and wondering if any of them ever meant anything. The big question I asked, that no one can seem to answer in a quantitative, easily understandable, logical answer is: "How do you know if he's the one?" That one person that can make all the wrongs seem so right, who -- like in the movies -- would stand by you through anything; come hell or high waters, that one person would still love you unconditionally.
Falling:
Then there he was... the guy who affected me in ways that I couldn't even dream possible. All because he was different. Our story started innocent enough, we met through a mutual friend. It felt like fate gave us a hand in meeting again; because you see, we talked once through the internet, but in the past we were both already in a relationship; we talked briefly once and never again. Yet somehow, the next time we got introduced to one another, we clicked and hit it off instantly!
We just became fast friends that flirted from time to time. What bothered me about him was he seemed to have not fallen for me or seem even remotely attracted... I couldn't read him. It was maddening! Like I found a puzzle that I couldn't quite put my finger on.
Honestly, it started out as a conquest, I felt like the demented younger teen in me was showing her little horns, he was like a game I craved to conquer. He wasn't exceptionally good looking, nor was he the kind of guy I would fall head over heels in love with, just by looking at him, he had neither the height nor the skin tone that I preferred. Yet there was something about him; something I wanted to open up and explore for myself. And wouldn't you know it? After a while-- I fell for him, after months of being friends and being flirtatious with each other, I had butterflies for the guy who caught me off guard.
It was like an epiphany, I had known him for months and only NOW did I see him, like REALLY saw the person that he was, I was falling and I didn't even know it. In a drunken sleepy stupor, I confessed in a badly written text message of how I felt. Come the next day, I realised what I had done and could have DIED OF EMBARRASSMENT. As I was a lover of the dramatics, I swore him off completely, which got him in a flurry of panic trying to reach out to me.
Fortunately, he felt the same way but never actually found the right time to say it. Yes, that was how it began with my first, one and only love. We began because of a silly mistake; a miscalculation of action on my part. Him being the first guy that I truly loved and cared for, so naturally I sought out to give him the best of me, he was enough, satisfying and most importantly, he was mine. I did anything and everything for him... Not once did I want anyone else, he was the perfect imperfection that I could live with and the sweet sincerity that I couldn't live without.................. or so I thought.
Failing:
As a couple we had our problems of course, but then... I was blind. I couldn't see that promises were being broken, too hurtful words were being said and inconsiderate actions were being done. I was mistreated, but I didn't see it at the time, because I believed in every single assuring word he softly said in my ear. I believed it every single time when he said I was his future; the only girl in his heart and that other girls had nothing on me.
At first, all I could think of was how I couldn't possibly be without him. I feared of losing him completely to the world around us. I felt him slowly slipping away, he began to act disinterested all too suddenly and all too much. It made me paranoid, fragile and a little hysterical. I stopped being carefree, I began hounding on him like a dog every time we talked; he hated it of course, but his actions show no reason for me to not become the person I had eventually became.
How would you feel if the guy you love, only looked for you when he needed help? He was inconsistently sweet whenever he wanted me to do something or when he was alone and ditched by everyone else around him... I felt offended and used, I knew he only came to me when no one else cared, because I alone would always, always, without a doubt, be there for him... Is it really too much for me to ask the same thing? I just need someone who would make me feel like I'm top priority, despite the distance or the temptation that surrounded us.
Yet, I still thought nothing of it. I shoved those negative thoughts away, maybe I was just imagining things, I made excuses for him to make myself feel better. Pathetic! At times when I vented my frustration out in the open, he would get mad, so I held it in almost to the brink of being broken. Weak! I truly was in denial and too hopeful in thinking that he would revert back to his old self.
What happened to the guy that I fell for? Was he really gone? Didn't he care that he was abandoning me? I started looking for more reasons, stupidly making excuses for something that was clearly failing. I started asking myself questions like; "what did I do?", "what went wrong?", "why is he being this way?".
Yes, this is how it looks when a love fails... But later I learned that the only one to blame is the one who changed, which was him... I stayed faithful and honest, because I saw what could have been if he had only tried hard enough, he would have seen the endless supply of happiness that a girl like me, who loved him so much, could give him. So much for the Disney-like ideals...
It crushed me when the truth got out. I was helpless and weak... I detested him and more than anything I detested myself for letting him be the reason why I began to run my mouth off his shortcomings... I was no better, I know that now.
It's never easy for anyone to have found their love and then losing it to someone else. It's also hard when you try forgetting about them, because it has become a habit for those in love to associate things with their source of happiness, who knew that those same memories of association could turn painfully bitter. It breaks my heart every time I take a whiff of a familiar scent, my throat tightens when I take a familiar road that leads to his place, my heart aches whenever I see traces of our relationship from the places we've been to and to the places we had plan on going to. These are the things, that makes me think that I should stop being a hopeless romantic and stop putting so much thought into love.
A wise man once said to me,
"He took you for granted, because you said you loved him first and you loved him more, so you lost."
That's really disheartening, because it got me thinking, why is there a winner and a loser in all this? Why does it seem like everyone treat love like it's a game? It's like someone pissed in my face when a few agreed to that statement. I thought love wasn't about playing games, whatever happen to prince charming? Why do I even bother... I am so close to calling quits.
Still feeling:
Recently, I've asked myself, time and time again; is love really worth the pain? Honestly, it's courageous of anyone to take the risk, you might either be plunging to your death by baring your soul to another person like that only on the slightest hopeful assumption that he feels the same way OR you could have probably made the best investment of a lifetime; a guy who is, in every way a physical, emotional and spiritual fulfillment that can do nothing but good to your existence.
After all that has happened, I still wish to love. Naïve, stupid or stubborn, I don't know which I am exactly~ Though sometimes, it's best to focus on other things other than your broken heart. For me, I look to a friend to get my mind distracted and when I talk to him even for a bit, I find myself smiling. I don't think it's because I've fallen for him; but I know for sure that he's a great reminder of a guy who can be a man about facing things with a mature air about him. I would want a guy like that one day. Never ever stop wanting to feel in love. One can always take a break... but never ever stop.
Despite everything that has happened, no matter how much it hurts and how long the pain lasts... I'm glad that I can still feel. Maybe one day, I'll find him, the true love of my life, not some cheap knock off, made in China.
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THE END! :)
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I hope that my perspective on love does not offend anyone, it's clearly just my own point of view so it's quite subjective. ehehe... :)
please comment and/or bookmark this page if you found it even remotely interesting! Thanks.
Might have grammatical errors, nobody's perfect~! HEEHEE :D
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