"What You Want Isn't What You Need" (1)

[Post No. 4]

Story #3:

Hello~! Introducing another story into this space~ hehehe! this is another story that I'll be posting up from time to time under the "episodic stories" category! :) Another set of characters and all. Hope you will all enjoy it... I'm just experimenting with a lot of situational settings and scenes inside my head, I've been trying to find a story in which I could incorporate these scenes into. HEH! Anyways...

Written in two different perspectives, as it's through the POVs of two different characters :) Male POVs mind you, so I might not be even good at portraying them. *snickers* this is funny, I find it quite challenging but darn, they might end up sounding like little faggoty boys. HAHAHA. On second thought, I might do the normal way of narrating a story too... heh! let's not get too ambitious now :p

A short on how life can be one big wheel of Karma.

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PART I - "What You Want Isn't What You Need"

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My eyes were transfixed on the contours of her body, she was working that machine like a soulja! She bent down a little to get the straying hairs from her face and clumped them in a bunch and started to neatly tie them with her scrunchy; I couldn't contain the smile that was about to crack as I caught sight of her jibblies. Trying not to be an apparent pervert about it, I looked away and walked towards the treadmill. The gym was a great way of finding fit women or women that are about to get fit. There's really nothing like a woman who cares about her body and having the need to want to get into shape. A part of me thinks that, that's why I try to be nice to everyone of the women in the gym, even if they're a little on the heavy side, a few months in the gym? They would look pretty good in no time!

Thing is, aside from my calculative means of associating myself with women, I was always brought up to be nice to those around me; young or old, big or small, I was told to never take them for granted because only the best can come out of sincerely loving them or even just to be friends with them. Why was I taught of such values? Well, my mother's been the only person in my life that I had, to look up to for guidance; growing up, my father was no doubt there for my mother and I physically, but mentally? He was absent; I don't blame him though, he has Vascular Dementia. So I never really got the father figure I should have gotten.

One thing I learned and from years of observing during my years of growing up to be who I was today; is that my mother never stopped loving my father, ever, nor did she complain about having to take care of the man who barely gave her a smile or spoke a word to her; there were times when she looked like she was about to breakdown, but I found that she would give herself a breather and looked into a little red book she kept in the drawers of the night stand-- Afterwards, there was a twinkle in her eyes again and she would hug me all too randomly.

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"Chris, I can't... stop it." she whimpered her voice wavering a little.

"Come on... it's been 6 months." he replied, pressing her against the wall, "you're going to make me wait again baby?"

"I don't think I'm ready, not yet..." she said quietly looking down at her hands, she fiddled with her fingers and felt his breath on her neck.

"Please." he said pleadingly, tracing soft hot kisses on her neck, "I want to know if you love me."

She gasped a little at his words, "I-I do, of course I love you."

He stopped kissing her neck and smiled from ear to ear, he tilted her head upwards and looked into her eyes. "then show me?"

I slowly watched the expression on her face and then like a sweet angel she began to untie the ribbon on her neckline. I held my breath in anticipation and took a step backward to watch her undo the buttons of her top that followed. Suddenly, she bent her head down, still standing near the wall, honest to god, she looked a little scary staying in that position, unmoving; it looked like it came out of a horror movie with her long wavy hair covering her face like that.

"What's wrong?" he asked and was about to reach out to her when she suddenly ran into his arms, hitting hard against his body, he fell back slightly from the impact and she giggled.

"I hope you're ready to have a baby with me in 9months if I get pregnant from this!" she giggled playfully.

Hearing those words my eyes widened in shock which made her laugh even harder from looking at my expression. She pecked me on the cheeks and said, "lets not rush into things." she said and playfully touched the tip of my nose, "okay?" and then she hugged me, I just stood there not really able to come up with an answer-- surprised at the turn of events; she totally killed the mood at the mention of a baby. After a while I began smiling at what just happened. It was a little suspicious that Adele suddenly turned all coy and shy, I had thought it was because we were getting really hot and heavy for a moment there, but even then, it never seemed to phase her before. She was usually carefree and playful and definitely not a shy girl. I just got punked.

I took her hand in mine and as we walked down the road, I lifted her hand and she looked at me smilingly as I gave it a small kiss. A day with her was always filled with surprises.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

There really was nothing quite like a hot shower, after long hours of working out and pushing yourself. I got out of the showers and caught my reflection in the mirror; still gotta work on my arms. I never seemed to be satisfied with myself when it comes to wanting to look good.

"basar tu bui." I heard someone said from beside me.

Wha... what'd he say? I looked up at him and saw him looking at an inappropriate area of my body. I cleared my throat uneasily and just began to dress. I left the gym a few minutes later, changed into a polo shirt, a casual three-quarter pants and put on my favourite cap. I dumped my gym bag into the trunk of my car and drove around town for a bit, quite unsure on how to go about spending the rest of my day. I thought of hanging with the guys to shoot some hoops, but I wasn't really in the mood for basketball. Then I remember someone texting me last night about there being an exhibition of some sort.

"Mmm... might as well check it out, I've nothing else to do anyway."

It turned out to be a consumer fair; nothing really caught my interest so after a while I just stood near some booth that were handing out freebies. I took a cup of some fruity flavored drinks that the woman kept pushing to me for me to sample; I happily obliged - despite not having the intention or need to purchase it in the future whatsoever.

As I stood there slowly sipping on my drinks. I thought I saw a familiar face. She looked a little different, but I am pretty sure it was her. It's been almost 7 years; I observed the face for a little while longer then she tucked her hair behind her ear and there I saw it, her birthmark on the neck. "Si Ninaaaaaa~!" I said aloud, making the girls beside me jump from my little outburst.

I made my way through the see of crowd, being tall had its' advantage, I could still spot her atop a majority of the people's heads around me. Without realising it I bumped into a couple of people, one got really pissed cause I hit his girl-- had to stop a bit and sincerely apologise, which almost made me lose sight of Nina.

"HEY! Nina!" I exclaimed cause she was getting far from me again.

She turned around abruptly, looking from left to right at the sound of her name. Then she shook her head, probably because she couldn't see anyone she recognised and was about to go off when I shouted again, "Nina! Nina!" and I flailed my arms like a mad person.

She spotted me and squinted her eyes, trying to figure out who I was. I finally caught up to her and she smiled politely.

"Hii~!!" I said excitedly to her.

"Hello!"

"How have you been?"

"Good good and you?"

"I'm great."

"OK." she said, with a forced smile on her face.

Then something finally dawned on me, "you don't have any idea who I am do you...?"

"Hahaha no I don't." she said cheekily and smiled apologetically, "sorry."

I smiled, this was really typical of Nina. After explaining to her that we were childhood friends who were really close neighbours around 7 years ago, the gears in her head slowly worked itself and out of nowhere she hugged me.

"OMG! Dani~ it's you!" she said finally seeing me for the first time, "you look good! You look well."

"Thanks and you... you got chubby!" I joked and poked her puffy cheeks.

She hit my arm so casually, it was as if we hadn't even been apart those 7 years, "Baie eh! Nice going. You comment on a girl's weight after not seeing her for a long time."

"You know it's all out of love."

"You haven't changed one bit," she said sticking out her tongue to me like a little child, "you still have to beat girls with a stick eh? Cause there's one that's been eyeballing you since we started talking to each other."

I briefly scanned the place and couldn't see what she was referring to, so I just shrugged it off and cockily said, "of course, what's there not to like about Dani, like really? Bukan ku kambang ah."

She rolled her eyes and laughed. After that we just talked and checked out the rest of the Consumer Fair together, it was great catching up with an old friend and exchanging stories about our past while the other was absent. Even better when there wasn't any awkwardness between us; makes you know who your real friends are.

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TO BE CONTINUED

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The next episode of this would be revealed in a week or two perhaps? hehehe... I would need feedback on how readers find this story. So then I would know the direction of how I would take this story :)

Please comment and/or bookmark this page if you found it even remotely interesting! Thanks.

Might have grammatical errors, nobody's perfect~! HEEHEE :D

"Fated to fall, fail and still feel"

[Post No.1]

Story #1:

written in a first person narrative. Enjoy! Just a SHORT STORY about love, a bit of a story to help you understand the perspective of love through the eyes of the narrator.

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"FATED TO FALL, FAIL AND STILL FEEL."

If there's one thing that I've kept with me, close to my heart and mind, throughout the years of growing up; it's none other than my hopeful naiveté of finding that one true love. For me, 'love' is important: the four letter word with all its' complexities, that has bitten and befallen each and every one of us-- some have loved, some are being loved, still in love and some will learn to love.

One thing I've learned though, is that during the early years of my life -- my brainwashed perspective of love used to be so simple -- I blame Disney for that; I thought that if you loved someone enough, you'll get through any hinderance and if you sincerely put your heart on your sleeve there's a definite chance your love would be reciprocated. But how true does this statement ring, do you think? Well, it's practically a delightful lie society shoved down my throat.

Then somehow, when I reached the early years of my teen, it was nothing but empty flings one after the other. I suppose that's when everyone's childish tendencies towards love would start. I would get boyfriends like they were no more than toys I purchased off of the stores' shelves. It certainly felt exciting to get the attention of a lot of boys; I think this was the only point of my life where I pretty much belittled the purity of love. I was falling in 'like' for a lot of guys in such short periods of time.

I was insipid, reckless and fickle. Even if a part of me still wish that part of my past had never existed; I find that it helped me differentiate between what was a temporary high and a grounding revelation of real feelings.

The thing about love, is that it can be found at the oddest of places, happens at the most unexpected of times and it can affect even the best of us. It's crazy how out of character you'll become if you've fallen for someone so hard.

I remember when I first had my biggest crush. It really was the most exciting thing for a 12 year old adolescent girl to feel. Constantly trying to catch glimpses of his smile, hoping that one day that cute smile would be directed to you. The first time he talked to me, the first real conversation we had was when he took an interest in my hobby back then - which was poetry writing. There's really nothing more endearing to me when a guy takes the time to notice something personal about you. "you write poems?" three simple words and he got me hooked on him and reeled me in like fresh live bait... JUST LIKE THAT! I shyly showed him some of my collection of poetry.

That's when I began thinking he was the cutest boy in class, noticing when he was there and when he wasn't. I had found him attractive that's for sure, but after that day, it wasn't the same anymore... I was crushing on him so bad that it was dragged on even till my high school years. I really did hold a (although flickering)-- candle for him even during my time in high school, if he would look my way just once more; I'd have gladly left whoever it was my boyfriend back then. After all, I was in fact only with them because they were either good-looking or they had a way with words and sometimes, they were just really into me and were good enough, so why not~?

Although, it was in college, that defining moment of my life when I realised nothing great or profound would come out of anything so short-term and superficial. I stopped being flighty and started being more saintly. I began frowning or making a serious face whenever I walk alone, I avoided talking to a lot of guys and hoped that one day, some of them would still like how I am despite being more 'restrained'; noticing me when I am being unnoticeable...

Had a couple of candidates and none of them struck me as being anything remarkable. All the guys that I talked to were the every day run of the mill type of guys. They were what I have been used to for so long; sweet-talkers who gave in to my every whim and wish, mediocre conversations and short-lived happiness, they seemed like that were just doing it from some book of gameplay-- in other words, it seemed insincere.

So, I remember thinking about all my past relationships with the guys in my life and wondering if any of them ever meant anything. The big question I asked, that no one can seem to answer in a quantitative, easily understandable, logical answer is: "How do you know if he's the one?" That one person that can make all the wrongs seem so right, who -- like in the movies -- would stand by you through anything; come hell or high waters, that one person would still love you unconditionally.

Falling:

Then there he was... the guy who affected me in ways that I couldn't even dream possible. All because he was different. Our story started innocent enough, we met through a mutual friend. It felt like fate gave us a hand in meeting again; because you see, we talked once through the internet, but in the past we were both already in a relationship; we talked briefly once and never again. Yet somehow, the next time we got introduced to one another, we clicked and hit it off instantly!

We just became fast friends that flirted from time to time. What bothered me about him was he seemed to have not fallen for me or seem even remotely attracted... I couldn't read him. It was maddening! Like I found a puzzle that I couldn't quite put my finger on.

Honestly, it started out as a conquest, I felt like the demented younger teen in me was showing her little horns, he was like a game I craved to conquer. He wasn't exceptionally good looking, nor was he the kind of guy I would fall head over heels in love with, just by looking at him, he had neither the height nor the skin tone that I preferred. Yet there was something about him; something I wanted to open up and explore for myself. And wouldn't you know it? After a while-- I fell for him, after months of being friends and being flirtatious with each other, I had butterflies for the guy who caught me off guard.

It was like an epiphany, I had known him for months and only NOW did I see him, like REALLY saw the person that he was, I was falling and I didn't even know it. In a drunken sleepy stupor, I confessed in a badly written text message of how I felt. Come the next day, I realised what I had done and could have DIED OF EMBARRASSMENT. As I was a lover of the dramatics, I swore him off completely, which got him in a flurry of panic trying to reach out to me.

Fortunately, he felt the same way but never actually found the right time to say it. Yes, that was how it began with my first, one and only love. We began because of a silly mistake; a miscalculation of action on my part. Him being the first guy that I truly loved and cared for, so naturally I sought out to give him the best of me, he was enough, satisfying and most importantly, he was mine. I did anything and everything for him... Not once did I want anyone else, he was the perfect imperfection that I could live with and the sweet sincerity that I couldn't live without.................. or so I thought.

Failing:

As a couple we had our problems of course, but then... I was blind. I couldn't see that promises were being broken, too hurtful words were being said and inconsiderate actions were being done. I was mistreated, but I didn't see it at the time, because I believed in every single assuring word he softly said in my ear. I believed it every single time when he said I was his future; the only girl in his heart and that other girls had nothing on me.

At first, all I could think of was how I couldn't possibly be without him. I feared of losing him completely to the world around us. I felt him slowly slipping away, he began to act disinterested all too suddenly and all too much. It made me paranoid, fragile and a little hysterical. I stopped being carefree, I began hounding on him like a dog every time we talked; he hated it of course, but his actions show no reason for me to not become the person I had eventually became.

How would you feel if the guy you love, only looked for you when he needed help? He was inconsistently sweet whenever he wanted me to do something or when he was alone and ditched by everyone else around him... I felt offended and used, I knew he only came to me when no one else cared, because I alone would always, always, without a doubt, be there for him... Is it really too much for me to ask the same thing? I just need someone who would make me feel like I'm top priority, despite the distance or the temptation that surrounded us.

Yet, I still thought nothing of it. I shoved those negative thoughts away, maybe I was just imagining things, I made excuses for him to make myself feel better. Pathetic! At times when I vented my frustration out in the open, he would get mad, so I held it in almost to the brink of being broken. Weak! I truly was in denial and too hopeful in thinking that he would revert back to his old self.

What happened to the guy that I fell for? Was he really gone? Didn't he care that he was abandoning me? I started looking for more reasons, stupidly making excuses for something that was clearly failing. I started asking myself questions like; "what did I do?", "what went wrong?", "why is he being this way?".

Yes, this is how it looks when a love fails... But later I learned that the only one to blame is the one who changed, which was him... I stayed faithful and honest, because I saw what could have been if he had only tried hard enough, he would have seen the endless supply of happiness that a girl like me, who loved him so much, could give him. So much for the Disney-like ideals...

It crushed me when the truth got out. I was helpless and weak... I detested him and more than anything I detested myself for letting him be the reason why I began to run my mouth off his shortcomings... I was no better, I know that now.

It's never easy for anyone to have found their love and then losing it to someone else. It's also hard when you try forgetting about them, because it has become a habit for those in love to associate things with their source of happiness, who knew that those same memories of association could turn painfully bitter. It breaks my heart every time I take a whiff of a familiar scent, my throat tightens when I take a familiar road that leads to his place, my heart aches whenever I see traces of our relationship from the places we've been to and to the places we had plan on going to. These are the things, that makes me think that I should stop being a hopeless romantic and stop putting so much thought into love.

A wise man once said to me,

"He took you for granted, because you said you loved him first and you loved him more, so you lost."

That's really disheartening, because it got me thinking, why is there a winner and a loser in all this? Why does it seem like everyone treat love like it's a game? It's like someone pissed in my face when a few agreed to that statement. I thought love wasn't about playing games, whatever happen to prince charming? Why do I even bother... I am so close to calling quits.

Still feeling:

Recently, I've asked myself, time and time again; is love really worth the pain? Honestly, it's courageous of anyone to take the risk, you might either be plunging to your death by baring your soul to another person like that only on the slightest hopeful assumption that he feels the same way OR you could have probably made the best investment of a lifetime; a guy who is, in every way a physical, emotional and spiritual fulfillment that can do nothing but good to your existence.

After all that has happened, I still wish to love. Naïve, stupid or stubborn, I don't know which I am exactly~ Though sometimes, it's best to focus on other things other than your broken heart. For me, I look to a friend to get my mind distracted and when I talk to him even for a bit, I find myself smiling. I don't think it's because I've fallen for him; but I know for sure that he's a great reminder of a guy who can be a man about facing things with a mature air about him. I would want a guy like that one day. Never ever stop wanting to feel in love. One can always take a break... but never ever stop.

Despite everything that has happened, no matter how much it hurts and how long the pain lasts... I'm glad that I can still feel. Maybe one day, I'll find him, the true love of my life, not some cheap knock off, made in China.

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THE END! :)

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I hope that my perspective on love does not offend anyone, it's clearly just my own point of view so it's quite subjective. ehehe... :)

please comment and/or bookmark this page if you found it even remotely interesting! Thanks.

Might have grammatical errors, nobody's perfect~! HEEHEE :D